Absurd Inventions Ever Patented

Obtaining a patent is a costly and time consuming process. Inventors must have unstoppable faith in their vision in order to realize their dream of acquiring a patent.
But sometimes these inventions come from a creative place so deep, they can be perceived by some as offbeat, unusual and possibly a bit eccentric. And that’s where we step in… America’s Goofiest Patents!

bulletproff-bed Bulletproof Bed

Do you need protection from bio-chemical terrorists attacks? How about natural disasters? Kidnappers and stalkers? Or would you just feel safer sleeping in a bulletproof bed? If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, you need the oh-so-versatile Quantum Sleeper.

Not for the claustrophobic or light of check book, this $160,000 coffin-esque “saferoom” does not include the optional microwave, fridge or entertainment center.

pierced-glassesPierced Glasses

Anyone who wears glasses knows that the earpiece that holds your glasses to your head can be annoying and on a bad day, cause headaches. The earpieces have to be tight enough to hold your glasses on and loose enough to be comfortable.

And, it can be tricky finding this happy medium. So our fearless inventor discovered a new way to hang eye glasses on your face, by using body piercing studs. That’s right… pierce your face, hang your glasses!
Finally, piercing gets practical!

hijacker-injectorHijacker Injector

Okay, we know we’re treading on sensitive ground here, but even methods to stop airplane hijacking can be totally absurd. This patent dates back to 1974 when there were kinder, gentler hijackers. We have to presume our nattily dressed felon either just handed the flight attendant his demand note or, after he told the pilot of his intentions, he was asked to return politely to his seat and buckle up. Now here comes the insight into genius; there is a hypodermic needle injector built into every seat on the plane!
According to the inventor, the “hypodermic injection apparatus is arranged for driving the needle of a hypodermic syringe through the seat cushion, into the passenger to instantly sedate or kill the passenger”. Ouch!

fish-lushFish ‘n Flush!

Goldfish die and then what happens next? You flush them down the toilet! But that’s not what the Fish ‘n Flush is all about my friend, oh no.

The Fish ‘n Flush is a toilet aquarium kit that turns your toilet into a facsimile of the Great Barrier Reef, complete with colorful fish and bubbling treasure chests.

Finding Nemo has never been easier. Our concern is for the poor fish and the views they have to endure

hurricane-houseHurricane House

Thunderstorms, tornadoes and hurricanes, as we have recently witnessed, can devastate conventional homes. The shear force of Mother Nature can rip apart seemingly sturdy structures and the cost to build a hurricane-proof house has been prohibitively expensive. That is, until now. Our inventor looked into high winds until he was blew in the face (we couldn’t resist), and thus invented… the Hurricane House!
Hey, that looks like a jet airplane, you may be saying to yourself. Well, it is, because commercial airliners are designed to withstand winds in excess of 500 miles per hour. So our inventor ripped out this retired planes seats and filled it with suitable home furnishings. Then he mounted it on a rotating base that is securely embedded in the ground. Now when the winds whip up, the Hurricane house automatically “weathervanes”, rotating into the wind, as if it were flying at 30,000 feet, providing the smallest cross-sectional area to the destructive wind forces.

human-car-washHuman Car Wash

People need bathing. Hospital patients need bathing too and to speed up this process, may we suggest the Human Car Wash? The HCW eliminates slipping and falling because the washees are strapped into a hanging harness and merely need to stand or dangle in a fixed position while the conveyor belt moves them from station to station. First the wetting station, then the soapy spray station, next the rinsing station and at the end, no towels are needed because there’s a blow drying station!
Developed in 1969 during the cold war, the inventor suggests the Human Car Wash can be built into a mobile trailer “to cope with the mass bathing requirements after an atomic bomb”.

imaginary-friendImaginary Friend

The inventor says this invention is a mobile desk for your moto, designed to sit in your front seat, giving you have access to drawers and cubbyholes for your pens, papers, files and food. But then she had a bold idea… why not make this a security device too!
So she added an imaginary friend, an official looking inflatable village person that you can hang out with. Not only that, in case some desperados see that your friend is only half there and they are still after you, it’s time to reach for your fake phone! That’s right, it looks like a real phone and we’re hoping big time that the robbers think it’s real, but it’s really only useful for talking to your Imaginary Friend.
As an added bonus, Mr. Inflatable is also useful for car pool lanes and Desperate Housewives.

remote-controlled-horseRemote Controlled Horse

Remote controls are running rampant in our lives! We remotely control our TV’s, our DVD’s and our CD’s. There are remote controlled ceiling fans, remote controlled curtains, and now you can even control your homes lights and temperature settings from anywhere in the world, via remote controls over the internet. But our inventor was way ahead of the curve. Way back in 1981, he envisioned something for the ultimate couch potato, he invented the Remote Controlled Horse! The inventor indicates in his patent statement that it can be time consuming and costly to search for and pay a hired rider to herd cattle or a jockey to race your horse. But with the Remote Controlled Horse, all that our non-rider needs to do is sit back in a comfy chair and use his joy stick to remotely control his trusty steed using a specialized servo saddle. Motorized mechanisms pull the horses reins, steering him in the right direction or pulling back, commanding Seabiscuit to a full stop.

10 thoughts on “Absurd Inventions Ever Patented”

  1. All of this are seriously useless and weird, though I did smile at the Imaginary Friend in particular — for a reason.

    Many years ago I had a fellow police officer who had previously worked in another city. One night he and his partner were on patrol and spotted what appeared to be a young couple cruising the streets in a convertible, top down on a lovely night. The driver committed some minor traffic infraction, so the cops decided to stop him just to give him a friendly verbal warning. (Yes, those really did use to exist — friendly verbal warnings, I mean.) Which they proceeded to do.

    A bit unusually, even back then, the driver immediately leaped out of his car and practically ran back to the squad car as the two officers got out, frantically feigning politeness and apologizing profusely, waving his driver’s license at them. And kept looking nervously over his shoulder towards his car.

    Of course the officers became suspicious, especially when they noticed the lady was stock still. They insisted on checking on “her” — who turned out to be a bikini-clad inflatable doll! But it gets better — while they were moving towards the car, the driver was frantically saying she was still because she had been drinking.

    They couldn’t help but laugh when they realized what they had on their hands, and decided to have some fun with the poor kid. They sternly informed her she was under arrest, and removed “her” from the car and handcuffed her.

    The poor driver didn’t know whether to be shocked, angry, or scared to death of two apparently loony-tunes cops. (I vote for the last choice.)

    They were the regular beat officers in that area, and the kid lived there, so of course they would see him after that, though they dropped the admittedly cruel joke they played on him. But practically the day the kid graduated from highschool, he joined the army or moved away some other way, I forget. Never to be seen with his “girlfriend” again!

  2. I’ve wanted the glasses piercing since i first heard about it i’ve worn glasses since first grade and honetly there are times i wanna whip em off my face chuck em across the room and never look back

  3. Actually “The Imaginary Friend” doesn’t sound that bad for women who travel alone in a car during the night.

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